


Apricot

by BoatsandTrains



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 2014/misha style!Cas, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Childhood Friends, Farmer!dean, Fluff and Angst, Growing Up, Humor, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Minor Character Death, Nostalgia, Pining, Rating: NC17, Romance, Slow Burn, sandover!dean, teacher!Cas
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-01
Updated: 2015-09-01
Packaged: 2018-04-18 12:41:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 17,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4706432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BoatsandTrains/pseuds/BoatsandTrains
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean Winchester grew up on a Apricot orchard in a small town up the 1-5 in California with everything he needed, his mom, his dad, his brother Sam and their best friend Castiel Novak.<br/>This life had been everything he had ever wanted or needed, till he started to notice he was different. How he looked at Castiel was different. This change he started to feel and the threat it had to this perfect balance of what always was terrified him. So he buried it, and as they grew up and graduation approached, Dean did the only thing he thought he could do to try and stop this life long need of his.</p><p>He ran.</p><p>Its been 10 years since he all but fled from home and from his attraction to the man that was once his closest friend. In this time hes graduated college and moved up the ranks in Sandover.<br/>He gets a call that the late John Winchester has passed away and Dean has to return home. </p><p>Its there that he decides to stay for a short time and help out till the seasons harvest is over, but going back means running into Castiel, and everything he had tried to get away from.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! this was my first sort of real venture writing alone without my mate (( though she def helps)) , i have a lot of feelings i put into this and i hope you enjoy. -AR

It was a small town. The kind of towns you find passing along the grapevine or up PCH, off the side of a highway, full of orchards and green open land or rows and rows of carefully plotted trees and crops.  
  
Deans family ran a apricot orchard, not unlike any other aside from it was the Winchesters, and it’s where this story begins and ends.  
  
Castiel’s family ran the parish in town. Not unlike any other small parish is a small town, except that this family had Castiel, and to Dean that was all that was needed to make the Novak home special.

  
The two families were rather close- since it _is_ a small community- a thousand people or so. Maybe less.  
  
Chuck Novak had actually wed John and Mary Winchester. So naturally when Cas and Dean were born around the same time, being the same age, in a small nameless town, they grew to become each other other half, joined only by the youngest Winchester 3 years later, Sam.  
  
This is basically a coming out story a couple decades in the making.  
  
Everything in youth had been great. Slices of memories, when they were young, things like playing in the orchards during spring when all the tree canopies were pink.  
  
Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten. Memories like hide and seek. Cas is a good finder, or maybe Dean's just a shitty hider. Either way it seemed like they had always ended up having to pull Sam out of the branches- because the little cheat liked to hide in them.  
  
Eleven, Twelve. Winters spent puddle hopping, Cas helping Sam get the hang of cursive. Swimming in the river and Dean teaching Cas how to catch tadpoles.  
  
It’s endless. Using Dad's scrap wood and tools to make a house in the low oak in the front yard. Failing, but John Winchester using a tractor tire to make a swing for them none the less. Sunburns to hot chocolate, helping Mary make marmalade to the first time Dean laughs so hard he could pee himself when Cas’ voice starts to change.  
  
Life is great till they are teenagers and Dean starts to notice Cas more.  
  
It scares him because no one in town is like him. No one else seems to see Cas like he does. None of the other boys.  
  
At 15, they lay out on the crate trucks eating Popsicles in the heat of summer. This should be normal. How many summers has this scene played out? But when Cas peels his shirt away, Dean feels his stomach sink with the change in him he feels.  
  
Like he’s poisoned, looking at Cas that way. Smooth tanned planes, sloped shoulder blades, the mole on Cas’ chest and the light sheen of sweat rolling down the curve of his back.  
  
Dean starts to separate himself. In small ways, the ways he can without being too obvious. Simple things, like not changing around Cas. Opting out of sleepovers and slowly one by one he finds excuses to get out of Tuesday pizza nights and movies on Saturdays.  
  
He gets into football, helps John with the orchard. Anything to give him the space he can to fix whatever he is.  
  
Finally Dean graduates and leaves town without without a word to Cas for college.  
  
He doesn’t know how to explain exactly what Cas was or felt like to him. There’s a heat and a rush of emotion that follows him when he thinks about Cas, dreams even. But as soon as the rush passes it’s like a subtle shame. Because Cas didn’t change, it was Dean. Dean, who without meaning to, had started to look at his best friend- pretty much his brother they had been together so long- more carnally. Greedy. With something he knew he shouldn’t. Something unfamiliar.  
  
So he left off to college and tried to figure himself out. Sleeps with women, because he should and he can.  
  
Then meets a guy named Aaron in his second year that doesn’t last long. He scared himself with it, coming to terms with what exactly it was he preferred. What made him different.  
  
Dean gets a job after he graduates, doing sales for a company called Sandover.  
  
He calls or sees Sam sometimes- the smart little shit got into Stanford and met what better be Deans sister-in-law, a beautiful girl named Jessica. (He had _hated_ Ruby.)  
  
Dean missed holidays often, because even 8 years later he’s scared of going back to town. If and when he does go, its as short as possible. drive in and out by that night. He hasn’t spoken to Cas but maybe more than twice on the phone since he left. Nothing more than pleasantries usually in the background. Its strange but better, somehow, he hopes.  
  
Dean meets a guy named Benny, and that lasts a year. A year he actually found a sort of comfort in, but Benny wanted things Dean couldn’t really give him. Things like meeting Deans family, talking about things he wasn’t sure he wanted to talk about, getting their own place– things that Dean looked at as big steps when he is still unsure exactly what wanted. They split.  
  
Then, two years later, at 29, Dean wakes up to his phone ringing. He gets a call from Sam in the middle of the night.   
  
John has passed away.


	2. Chapter 2

Dean has to go back to the town for the service. So he goes.   
  
He doesn’t really know what to feel there either. He’s seen his dad a few times over the last year but it’s rushing him all at once how his internal conflict has cost him. That if he were normal or knew what to do, maybe he wouldn’t have left the way he did 10 years ago.  
  
Ten years of time missed, of only showing his face when he had to. John Winchester was a strict man, he doubted his dad would’ve liked the truth of what he was, but John was still his dad. Maybe he would’ve come around.  
  
This man, now being lowered into the ground, was the man that taught him how to tie his shoes and how to fish.  
  
Just like that, a life time of knowing someone, gone. He refuses to cry.  
  
When he sees Castiel Novak at the service, as he knew he would, it’s like it had always been. Always is.

  
Some weird pocket dimension where time finally started moving again around Dean. It’s a inappropriate place to think about how beautiful someone is. All the flowers and the black pressed clothes, uniform really. But Cas always did stand out.  
  
Dean could point Castiel out in Time square without a second thought when they were kids. It’s a smaller crowd than the dramatization, obviously, but it remains the same.  
  
Cas doesn’t see him first, he thinks. Dean’s actually grateful for it. It let’s him feel the realization that he hasn’t seen Cas in a decade, in the flesh, and it hits him like a rush.  
  
And there’s Cas with what looks like Meg Masters at his side talking to Sam and Jess. Cas with his long tapered fingers taking Jess’ hand. Cas with his soft blue eyes, talking to Mary. Cas, no longer the small runt, holding his mom in his arms.  
  
Dean’s watching like he’s out of his body spectating. Everyone has moved on with their lives and grown and Dean is just here. A product of all his hesitations.   
  
Meg with her arm looped around Cas’ elbow, Jess tucked neatly against Sam. No one is next to him the way they have it. This sort of need, the comfort, he bitterly envies it.  
  
When Cas speaks to him, it’s polite and a little like a stranger, which shouldn’t be as winding as it is, but of course because it is, it has been years.  
  
“Hello, Dean. I’m so sorry for your loss.”  
  
He remembers a Cas that spoke soft and proper to the ground when they were younger, that taught Dean how to catch snakes without hurting them, and how to fold grass. The Cas that couldn’t climb a tree to save his life but could possibly be the best stone skipper alive.  
  
This Cas, he doesn’t look down or speak soft. He stands tall and speaks clear. A different voice Dean isn’t used to either.  
  
“Thanks, Cas.”  
  
—  
  
Dean gets leave from work to stay in town for awhile to help Mary. She may not need a whole lot of help, thanks to Joshua who helps them run the orchard, but Dean being there seems to do something regardless. Him staying goes without complaint.  
  
Mary takes Johns passing surprisingly well. It turned out that their dad had been having heart complications for a while, this was something that without telling their sons, both Winchester parents had planned for.  
  
Dean still hears his mom cry at night, but he knows all he can do is be down the hall if she needs him, and up in the morning with a fresh brew and a hug.  
  
 —  
  
Turns out while Dean has been out dicking around, figuring himself out, Sam and Cas have become like best buds or something over the years. It seemed like every other night Sam was over at Castiel’s, or Cas was at their place. Though, Dean didn’t go in the house. He had taken to the trees, working out with the others in the fields like second nature. Anything but having to deal with what was now some strange nostalgic thorn in his side.  
  
Dean was out in the orchard nailing down the property posts and tagging trees when Cas pretty much sneaked up on him and scared the ever living shit out of him.  
  
“Fucking Christ, Cas–”  
  
“Sam and I are going to the Roadhouse. Would you like to go?” Castiel’s voice is even, arms hung at his sides, looking dead on at Dean.  
  
He's is very aware that this is the first time they’ve been around each other without company of any kind. Cas, who is standing a couple feet away in jeans and a soft white shirt, looking every bit the type of thing Dean  hasn't been able to stop looking at since they were teenagers.  
  
Older, sharper edges and bigger, stubbled. And very much alone in Dean's company. Even at the service it was in a crowd and Dean has been a recluse since he got back, staying with Mary and out with the trees and Joshua. He has nerves about being in town or around Cas. Like people will be able to sniff Dean out.  
  
Cas has Meg and shit and Dean does  _not_  want to be around long enough to get to know anything about that.  
  
“You know,” Cas sighed, shifting his weight with a measured look, reading Deans hesitance, “Avoiding people will not help.”  
  
The tone he uses makes Dean scowl, hammer in his gloved hands and skin itchy with dirt. A silence stretches there, both just staring like someone has to break the stale mate before the blue eyed man sighs.  
  
Dean turned back to his work collecting his tools to go inside, figuring maybe it’s answer enough. Maybe Cas will drop it and sneak off as quietly as he got there. He doesn’t.   
  
“Do you remember,” Cas’ voice, the one he has now, is low. Gravely but even, washed out. It makes Deans ears ring in a strange way. In a way that makes him unable to tune out the other man walking behind him, “How we would sneak into the sheds and take the workers patrol carts out for a spin at night?”  
  
It was probably around when they were 15 or 16. And of course Dean remembers. He remembers probably everything.He doesn’t say a word about it though. Just watches Cas remember this old memory as they walk down the line of trees.  
  
Cas who said he remembers the stars and how they got busted the next day because they got the cart covered in mud.  
  
Dean doesn’t remember the stars too much. He remembers Cas’ scared-shitless face when they did their first doughnut in the field and how his eyes lit up with the thrill of it after.How they almost flipped the cart and he thought Cas would have a coronary, instead ,to this day, he doesn’t think he’s ever seen Cas laugh so hard in his life as they did that night.  
Dean remembers wanting to kiss the sound right out of his best friends mouth and save it inside of him.  
  
So their memories are similar and very different.  
  
It felt effortless, Dean laughing. He doesn’t laugh the way he did around Cas anymore. It kinda sucks.  
  
Castiel swears he hadn’t been scared, but Dean won’t buy it for a second. Somehow its so simple, easy, that it seems like time is moving again, Cas right back under his skin as they past the floodlight and get almost to the porch of the house.  
  
“You shouldn’t avoid me while you’re here.” The other mans voice had been so calm, considering he was pretty much dropping a bomb on Dean,“ For however long you’re here. If I am only going to see you once every 8 to 10 years.”  
  
They stopped walking, the older Winchester turning and staring. He doesn’t know what to say. What do you say?  _‘I’m staying away because I can’t stop whatever it is you do to me?’  
_  
“Sorry. Just got busy, lost track of time.” Weak, such a weak thing to say, Dean thinks he deserves an award for not wincing when he says it.  
  
Cas has this look, like he used to when he could see right through Dean and it makes him swallow a hard lump.  
  
It’s like Dean can feel the shift coming. In the air. Like something is coming and he can’t snatch it back.  
  
“I know why you left.” Cas says, Just like that.  
  
Dean shifted, uneasy but rolling his eyes. _'Cause /yea right/.  
_    
“For college?” Dean said, like the smart ass he is.  
  
The air is sticky and he’s filthy and tired, totally never going to be in the mood for this conversation. Ever.  
  
“ I knew how you felt, Dean. College was just your bus ticket, not your reason.”  
  
It’s enough of a shock to have Dean back pedal.He doesn’t know if Cas really knows what he’s talking about. This is something he has swallowed up since he first noticed what was happening and Dean hasn’t told a soul so what would Cas know?  
Green eyes search, quiet, but Cas just has a calm collected face.  
The sun is setting just over the trees, and Dean just needs to get Cas to leave for the night. To get inside and away from this mess.  
  
“What are you talking about?” His laugh a little forced.  
  
“You. Dean Winchester, emotional blockade builder of the century. In love with-”  
  
“- _Cas_.” Dean cut him off, almost single word begging not to say it out loud.  
  
Castiel just stands, across but apart from Dean like he’s studying him, hands in his pockets, “I knew the whole time, Dean.”  
  
It winds him when the words settle in. Crushes him. Is it a relief? Cas is still talking to Dean. Still had been talking to him back then too. If his 'then-bestfriend’ knew and said nothing, that means he didn’t want it, though, doesn’t it?  
If you want someone and 'know’ they want you, you do something about it. Right?  
God knows Dean doesn’t 'want’ it, but he’s not the boss of it.  
  
And it’s dawning on him that Cas makes him feel things.  
  
What makes Cas different is that it feels real and scary and perfect and fucked up and 20 other contradictory emotions that Aaron and Benny and whoever Dean slept with never gave him.  
  
He gets to feel things, normal to extreme things around Cas.  
And he’s putting it together in his head not sure what to feel right now all over again. Cry or laugh? What he actually does is just stand there like a stunned deer, looking at Castiel Novak like the oncoming truck he is.  
  
“I’ll see you at the roadhouse. Don’t run away just yet.” Cas says.  
  
He says it like whatever earth shifting thing he’s said out loud to Dean was no more out of place than the weather. And leaves.[](http://alyxrush.tumblr.com/post/111353171076/destiel-au-apricot-pt3)  
  



	3. Chapter 3

Dean doesn’t even know why he showed.   
  
He wants to say it’s just because Cas almost seemed to dare he wouldn’t, but that would be like saying the smug asshole won something. Which he didn’t.  
  
He  _did_  show and that’s that.  
  
His skin is buzzing, clean of filth but dying to know what happens now. What’s next? He slid right into the booth, coincidentally beside Cas– not on purpose- because Sam brought Jess. Which he’s not relishing, because he’s too busy sneaking glances at Cas trying to figure out what’s going on inside his head.  
  
Something he couldn’t even do when they were thick as thieves so his chances of somehow grasping the enigma that is Cas of now is pathetic.  
  
Luckily a couple beers in take the edge off. So does laughing at Sam trying to teach Jess how to throw darts.  
  
“They should get married,” Castiel’s voice says beside him in the booth.  
  
“Of course. And I’m going to be the best man,” Dean grinned, looking over at him.  
  
“Doubtful. I wear a suit better.” Castiel scowls, drinking his beer as their elbows bumped on the table.

  
“I don’t think that’s the criteria they look at,”  
  
“Fine. My speech will be far better constructed.” The other man scoffed.  
  
“Dude, no one wants a graduate speech from their best man. They want to laugh. Everyone remembers the funny speeches half planned. Not the pig Latin you’ll put together.” Dean laughed, eyes crinkling.   
  
“Sam likes pig Latin,” Cas’ lips frown, fighting the grin they both know is coming before they are coughing on their beer.   
  
By the time Sam and Jess sit down, he and Cas have moved on to their third round.  
  
“You two are getting along,” the over sized dog that is his brother beams, scooting into his seat with equally bouncing Jess following after him.  
  
“Oh, yeah, smashingly,” Dean straightens up, snorting.  
  
They fall into some conversation about Sams courses that go right over Deans head but Cas and Jess seem to eat it up. He doesn’t tune back in fully till he hears Sam mention ‘Orgy’.  
  
“ _What?_ ” Jess barks a laugh, Dean now fully caught.  
  
“-Yeah it was wild. Cas got himself a county over— what? Sophomore year spring break?” Sam is cracking himself up, Cas is groaning.  
  
“No no no– back up– a  _orgy_ , Cas?” Jess grabbed Cas’ hands across the table. "Doesnt your family run a church thing or something??"  
  
Dean is pretty pleased with himself for not letting his jaw hit the floor. Cas at a orgy.  _Cas_  at a orgy? Preachers son  _Castiel Novak_.  
  
“He– I don’t even know-” Sam wheezed, Jess rubbing his back.  
  
“I was very _very_ stoned.” Castiel explained, bottle pressed to his lips as he laughs softly at himself.  
  
“I’ll say. That didn’t stop you from collecting a flock of women by the time I came to get you-” Sams eyes are watering, shaking his head. “God I didn’t even know what I was seeing- it was like a new age Cas-Cult-”  
  
“Wait- just women? Thought you did the whole shebang- you know- woo-hoos included. Orgy Authentica.” Jess’ voice hits Dean, now his eyes are glued to Cas, no subtly at all in wanting to know the answer to that morsel of information.  
  
“No, no men. I suppose I just had my preferences.” His friend shrugged. “That aside, Sam was a ample 'cock block’.”  
  
Jess is aghast and laughing her ass off.  
  
Even Dean at first had found this funny. Laughing at Cas who still does that stupid quotation thing with his fingers that he did when they were eight.  
  
Funny till the point of 'preferences’ keeps floating around in him. It’s kinda stupid, really. Dean couldn’t help wanting something. He didn’t know what that something was.  
  
But Cas had said he knew. And Cas said not to leave. It’s becoming clear that Dean feels like a idiot. Cas meant he wants his best friend back or something and here’s been Dean. Being selfish about that. Like he would only stay if Cas would be… Something. Anything really, because  _he_  needs it.  
  
Of all the people he’s met, he needs Cas to want something from him.  _With_  him.   
  
But it’s not happening is it? Cas knows everything about him, even the one thing he didn’t want him too. He's not a asshole. He wants anything he can to know his best friend again. There are just somethings he hasn't ever been able to reconcile.  
  
Even 10 years gone. Cas is still Cas.[](http://alyxrush.tumblr.com/post/111357663321/destiel-au-apricot-pt4)  
  



	4. Chapter 4

Pretty much the motto is just to go back to the orchard and Mary the next day. Just stick to the safety of home.  
  
His one night out got him a hangover and a heartbreak he thought he had already gotten. Sam comes out and helps him and small talks. Gets him to eat something awful and green under the guise of it being fried. Okra? Brussels sprouts?   
  
They spend a good hour bickering over sprinklers till they end up wrestling in the hay and their mom comes out and sprays them with the hose.   
  
He’s sore and breathless and too old for this crap but Sam is red with laughter and Mary looks better than she’s looked since the funeral.   
  
—-  
  
A couple days later he’s out there again. Spring is there so the branches are turning into blossoms. The temperature can’t make up its mind, as per California regular. 6 am freezes his balls off or prepare to melt off a layer of flesh by noon.   
  
Still, it’s his job and he’s fixing the sprinklers that Sam unhelpfully got out of doing.   
  
Cas comes out since he’s off work around 4pm looking for Sam. Dean can’t even look up at him, just focuses on work and saying he hasn’t seen the yeti yet. But Cas doesn’t take that info and leave like he’s supposed to, he just stares at Dean. The dick even crouches down to stare at him even more obviously, as though to make a point at not leaving Dean in peace.  
  
“ _What_?” He snips, tightening the head on the pipe.

“You’ve changed a lot.”  
  
Dean’s starting to feel his pulse shoot up, skin prickling along his arms and neck like a tell tale where he’s probably turning pink.  
They’re both on their knees pretty much with the older Winchester filthy and hands buried in soil and muddy with water from the sprinkler he’s fixing. This is not his most flattering moment. However, Cas keeps saying things, with no regard whatsoever to consideration for poor totally already sprung Dean Winchester.

Things about Dean’s voice being lower, and his skin looks lighter.  
  
“-Probably from living out in the city instead of out in the fields.” his friend is saying,“ You look best in the sun. Freckled.”   
  
“Cas, what are you doing?” Dean felt his voice crack, needing to end this  _‘ode to Dean’s skin condition’_ , staring back at blue eyes.  
  
It’s not like Cas said anything flirty or leading but his body feels hot and Dean is pretty sure his pulse is deafening him.  
  
“Talking.”   
“No- I mean-  _this_. What are you doing with this? If you- if you knew-” Dean pulled his hands out of the muddy water, kinda floundering as he spoke. His eyes avoid looking at Cas directly, not really sure he wants to see what’s in there. “You never said anything. Not even to stop or something and I- Why didn’t you say something?” Dean needed to get his footing, this is kinda it- the moment where Cas breaks him and he needs it.   
  
If Cas just breaks him maybe he can move on. Loving someone a life time alone is not how he wants to keep going. It’s exhausting and a obvious dead end he needs out of. So he makes himself look up, bottle green eyes, tired, looking to meet his maker so maybe he can get his shitty life together.  
  
Cas is just all big azure eyes, no malicious intent or anything. Nothing at all. Just truth.   
  
“I didn’t want to.”  
  
Dean doesn’t know what that means. “Didn’t want to what? Didn’t want– to tell me _you knew_? Didn’t want anything else? Don’t want what? _Me_?” He’s standing now, some point he had collected enough to get to his feet, voice strained, shoulders tight, feeling like Cas has stabbed him. “You don’t know anything, Cas- what I–”  
  
“You didn’t know what you wanted.” That low tenor cuts him off, easy, with a sigh, standing up right along Dean and brushing his knees.  
  
“And I had no interest in being what you figured it out on. To be honest, I’m not sure you know what you want _now_.”   
  
Isn’t that the damn line drawn, then.   
  
“Okay- so.. Then why now? Why are you saying something now?” He can’t help but ask, feet stuck in place.  
  
Cas just tilted his head. Same weird birdlike tilt he’s always done, same old Cas, doing the same old things to Dean he’s always done with a much bigger magnitude, if possible.  
  
“Seems rather bothersome to let you run off again. If saying it is why you keep leaving, will saying something help you stop?” Cas sounds almost… Bored with it, like he’s had this conversation with Dean a hundred times in his head,  
  
“It also seems inappropriate to ask again a few years from now at a wedding.”  
  
Ouch.  
So Dean can get that. Maybe he doesn’t quite follow what Cas is after in all this, but he knows he’s the one who left.  
  
Cas checked his watch,“I have to pick up Meg from the diner. It was nice talking to you, Dean.”   
  
\-----  
  
He gets stuck the next couple days with that.   
  
With feeling confused at what Cas wants from this? Does he think making Dean raw with this 'thing’ going on between them- whatever it is- will make how he’s felt all this time go away? Just show up, rile up Dean’s feathers and just go off to leave for  _Meg_?[  
](http://alyxrush.tumblr.com/post/111359774966/destiel-au-apricot-pt5)


	5. Chapter 5

——

Next time Cas shows up on the property it’s with Jess and Dean is actually running with a couple kids. Some of the towns workers kids chasing Dean around the trees, weaving in out with fast little legs when he nearly runs Cas over full force.

“What— what are you doing here?” He pants, The pressure of Cas’ fingers wrapped around his bicep pull away, giving him enough brain function to look away from Castiels stupidly attractive face to Jess.

“Apparently missing all the fun!” The blonde grinned, the kids that clobbered Dean earlier now ducking behind him.

“Oh. Don’t be fooled, they’re monsters. The whole pack of them.” Dean turned, rolling his eyes.

“Are not!”

“Are too!” He argued, looking down at the red headed boy around his leg.

“What were you doing?” Cas asked, the kids looking up at the other man.

“Hide and Seek.” One pipes up.

“I’m good at that game,” Jess clapped her hands,“ can we play?”

“Is Mr.Noback playing?” A taller girl leaned out to ask.

“Noback….” Dean sounded out,“ Novak? Are you-”

“I teach kindergarten and third grade, Dean. Most of the kids in town know me.” He says, Dean feeling like a ass.

He didn’t even know what Cas ended up becoming. A teacher.

  
They end up playing hide and seek with about five kids, their parents out in the trees pruning and picking. It reminds him a lot of when they were young.

Sure, they end up dirty (mostly Dean) and grit on their hands from the bark of the trees, but there is lots of laughter. Cas gets caught and Dean works extra hard to find a good spot, wedges himself behind some crates and a old tractor, he kinda blends in in his green shirt. Pretty proud of himself too, but like nothing, just like when they were kids, Cas finds him.

“Dude. You cheated.” Dean stared up at blue eyes with a loss.  
Cas just smirks, confident, and sits down to watch dean wiggle and slowly climb out of his hole.

“You are just poor at hiding.”

“Am not.” The green eyed man says, Indignant as he climbs back out with a grunt, brushing himself off.

“Then I am just good at always finding you.”

It skips Dean’s heart in a way he wants to scold himself for. Cas is just looking at him, chin on his fist, just watching Dean. All knowing cheeky bastard he is. Deans totally sweet on him and Cas knows it and Deans hates it.

“We should uh…we should get back to the kids.” Dean tried. He needed to find the line. Trying to tell himself to ignore Cas’ wording.   
His throat feels parched though.

The two of them and kids in tow go back. It takes everyone to find Jess—

They do finally find her.

“Are you fucking kidding me? Did Sam tell you to do this?” Dean hissed, Cas jabbing him with a meaningful look at the kids. Dean can see the held back grin under it, both of them staring up at the smug blonde.  
In a tree, just like his little brother used to do.[  
](http://alyxrush.tumblr.com/post/111379434826/destiel-au-apricot-pt6)


	6. Chapter 6

Cas makes a habit of showing up more.   
  
He helps Dean and his mom make pies to give to the school to sell. She lets Cas pick at the filling, but she’ll bat Dean away. It leads to her eldest son having a single man mutiny on the grounds that she’s treating Cas like the favorite son.  
She hits him with her towel and continues looking for the new sugar in the pantry. When Mary isn’t looking, Cas offers a apple off his spoon.   
  
Yet again he’s stuck all over again staring at Cas, trying to add up what it means. If Cas even has a clue what it does to the other man when he does this sort of stuff.   
  
“I’ll eat it if you don’t.” He says to Dean, like Cas has made his mind up for him.   
  
Dean leans forward and takes that bite, accidentally looking at Cas as he does it. It scares him, he doesn’t recognize the face Cas makes. He just knows it makes his blood run a little hotter when he licks his lips and looks away. 

Whatever passes between them goes unsaid.   
  
\----  
  
Whenever they go to the roadhouse, it feels like Castiel sits closer than they were before but maybe he’s imagining it.   
  
He, Sam, and Cas get plastered one night. They end up stumbling out into the field, trying not to laugh as they sneak passed the house at probably 2 in the morning.   
Sam (who is the worst at trying not to laugh) is babbling with half dread that ‘ _mom is going to kill them_ ’ as they trip over soft earth.   
  
“Sammy, we’re adults. You sound like Cas did the first time we did this.” Dean snorts, leaning on his little brother. More like into than on, the giant body stumbling right along with him.   
  
“We were  _only_  14.” Castiel made a displeased noise.   
  
“And It was  _only_  a couple beers.” He can almost hear Cas’ eye roll ahead of them.   
  
The three of them end up sprawled in the grass listening to Sam talk about about Jess. One thing Dean can say the city definitely couldn’t offer up was the stars out here.   
  
“I should be your best man.” Cas says.   
  
Dean is right there to cut him off, “Bullshit. I’m the big brother. We adopted you, you church camp monk-ling.”  
  
Blue eyes squint at him, half socking him in the arm and half missing.  
  
This all falls on deaf ears, Sam is just drunk and giggling, tops of their heads all touching in a triangle. Slowly the sound of Sam shaking with laughter and the two ex-bestfriends-but-maybe-turning-bestfriends-(or something)-again fades.  
  
It’s just them and the crickets, cool night air.   
  
It’s just all of them staring at stars.   
  
“I miss this.” Sam sighs out loud. Real simple but it is such a heavy set of words to Dean.   
  
And to his other side, he hears Cas say softly,  
  
“I do too.”[  
](http://alyxrush.tumblr.com/post/111450563311/destiel-au-apricot-pt7)


	7. Chapter 7

The next morning is just one long hangover again.  
  
Sam tells him “Cas left early to get Meg to work,” Dean doesn’t have the energy to feel twisted up about it. Just knows he hates hearing her name tagged on to Cas’.  
  
“Mom is making bacon and coffee. Guess we were kinda obvious.”   
  
 "Maybe it was because you were totally squealing when we snuck passed the house,“ the older brother rubbed his eyes.   
  
Sam grunts, knocking Deans feet off the bed "Bitch-!”   
  
 "Jerk,“   
  
 —   
  
Dean spends the day setting up crates, his insides in knots because he somehow feels the same as he did when he left. That shameful ache and pine he can’t shake. Maybe less shame. He knows what he is, he just isn’t so sure he wants to do anything with it. Especially here. In his hometown. He has no choice in how he feels, how he looks at Cas, what he hears when Cas talks.   
  
Then one day turns into two and then four. Dean hasn’t seen Castiel, and it shouldn’t matter anyway. He’s getting ready for the season to start when his mom asks him about his sabbatical from Sandover.   
  
 "What do you plan to do? Honestly, sweet pea, I’m okay. I’m more worried about you.” Her voice is gentle, Mary’s soft hands in his hair. He knows what she means. Even Sam has been hovering around him. 

Yea, Dean knows he hasn’t exactly been emotional about his Dad’s passing, and he knows what it looks like. Like he’s using work to deal with it. Who knows, maybe he is. Dean isn’t the most emotionally open guy around. Sam isn’t either, but he has Jess and Dean’s willing to bet that while Winchester men don’t leave it out to dry- Sam has a way more golden heart. And Sam got to let it go with Jess. Dean doesn’t have that. He’s used to it.   
  
“I’m good, Mom,” She doesn’t believe him, they both know it, but it slides.  
  
“Maybe you should call them.”   
  
Honestly, he had forgotten about it. Dean knew was suppose to call in in a couple weeks- Zachariah wouldn’t give him that promotion if he was gone too long. Really though, that promotion has been dangled in front of him for the better part of two years. So he doubts being gone longer will change that. Dean had things to do. To be distracted with. More important than Sandover.   
He had been thinking about harvest. About being home with mom and Sam. Getting to know Jess better. About Cas.  
  
—  
  
Cas shows up with Sam and pizza that night, they watch the Three Stooges marathon that’s on. Naturally the nerdy little blue-eyed debby downer knit picks everything and tries to ruin it for them but Sam and Dean are still cackling.   
  
“It wasn’t funny as kids. I don’t see how it is now either.” Cas sits on the couch with them, pillow folded under his arms while he scowls at the screen.   
  
“It’s a classic, Cas. This one- here- watch-” Dean says, chewing a mouthful of Pop corn that Sam gives him. The younger brother snorts and Cas keeps trying to humor them. It’s hard to tell what Dean likes best about this particular night. Sam with his giant warm body right up against him, laughing at the same parts, or how perplexed Cas seems to get over everything that happens on the screen. There’s beer and popcorn, pizza and soda. Crap food that tastes best with company. That’s how they spend their night.  
  
Cas passes out on the couch and they shift him around. Dean puts his blanket on him and they go to bed.   
  
 In the morning Cas and Dean watch in amazement when Sam tries not to burn pancakes and Mary shows her youngest son how to flip them.   
  
“You shouldn’t teach him that, Mary. His altitude is higher than most. His flipping will result in cakes on the ceiling.” Cas is on the bar stool by Dean, holding a hot mug of coffee as he watches with a weary eye.   
  
Mary shoos at them with a barely concealed grin, her hand on Sams back.  
  
“I’m more worried about hair in my food. Isn’t this a health hazard?” Dean pipes, Sam shooting a glare.   
  
“Mom, Deans being a dick.” Sam wrinkled his nose at his older brother.   
  
“Hey. Watch your mouth. You might be twice my size but I know where the soap is, little lamb.” Mary scolds, smacking Sams butt. Dean fights off laughing till she shoots him a look that's just as threatening.  
  
“Getting too old for this. God, Dean you’ll be 30 in a year.” Mary huffs, turning back to help Sam.   
  
“Sorry, Ma. He started it.” He apologizes.  
  
“Did not.”  
  
“Whatever. What 25 year old can’t cook a pancake? You’re just sucking up to mom.”   
  
 "Dean!“ Mary tries not to laugh.   
  
 Cas hits Dean for Her. He tries not to grin through burnt pancakes.[](http://alyxrush.tumblr.com/post/111494005346/destiel-au-apricot-pt8)  
  



	8. Chapter 8

Cas teaches at the elementary school in town. Not just kinder and third. Turns out he’s taught a few different grades. This year he teaches second graders.  
That’s why he’s always off and bugging Dean after 2:30.  
It’s also why Dean ends up having to help Cas clean paint off of the walls in his class.

“So let me get this straight, you teach them running with scissors is bad but running with tubs of paint is A-Ok.”

The room has big windows with crafty sun catchers in it, tacky puzzle piece foam floor and a rug that looks like a cartoon earth. The place looks more like a day care, and somehow very Cas. There are pictures of bumble bees pinned to a cork board by names of kid. The board says ‘bee the best’.

Dean assumes it’s like getting a gold star, just the Cas way.

“I guess it is when I get the pleasure of calling you over to listen to you complain about finger paint for a hour.” Cas snarks back, holding a bucket of soapy water as Dean balances on a step stool and rubs the paint off the top of the white board where some crazy kid threw it.

“I’m not complaining.” He states calmly.

“It seems a lot like complaining.”

“I’m not even getting paid for this shit. Cas, why are they painting with booger colored paint? Why can’t you be a normal teacher and just give them the primaries? I can’t even tell what I’m scrubbing off the walls. What happened to red and blue? Not pea soup and hazmat orange. What color combination _is_ this? Isn’t Orange a agitate to the eyes or something? Cas, are you subliminally ruining these kids with aggressive colors?”

“What happened to ‘ _I’m not complaining_ ’?” ‘Mr.Novak’ says, unimpressed.

“I’m critiquing your teaching technique. For free. Like my labor.” Dean grunts, maybe a little amused with himself.

“Well then I can pay you in a burger and beer if you agree to cease.”

“I want onion rings.”

“Pricey labor.” His friend huffs.

“I’m not a cheap date.” It slips out so seamlessly, Dean kinda freezes when he says it but tries to play it off. Stupid mouth.

“Clearly.” Cas picks up the silence, But Dean can hear the smile in the other man's voice as he scrubs.

It makes his face split into a grin at the wall and counts it as a win.

—

That night they eat their burgers on their not-a-date-date and Dean asks why Cas went with teaching?

“What do you mean?” Cas’ brow furrowed, popping a fry in his mouth.

“I mean, you were always hella smart- book smart- could’ve gone anywhere and been anything. Why teaching? Why here?” Dean reached over, stealing Cas’ cosmopolitan shake.

The other man just kinda shrugs, “I went to college and I looked around. I didn’t find what I wanted, but I was happy here. Home.”

It makes Dean wonder if _he’s_ happy. At least in the way Cas says- work wise. Castiel aside.

Cas does this because he likes it. Likes brats and paint and field trips and spelling Bs or whatever a 1st or 2nd grade teacher does.

Does Dean like Sandover? Does he like anything back ‘home’. Home is that single apartment he isn’t really missing these days.

The conversation turns to Cas talking about his brothers, and his coworkers. Dean listens, let’s Cas steal his shake back and eats till the check comes.

Both walk back to their cars, slow stride as feet hit the parking lot pavement. The older Winchester finds himself watching how they brush, and how they walk feet in step while Cas gripes about some fight a douchey fifth grader started with one of his kids.

That’s another thing, Cas calls them ‘his kids’, which leads to him think about how Cas would be a kick ass dad. Wonders what Cas’ kids would even be like.

The walk stops and Cas climbs into his jeep, Dean into the impala. They say goodnight and go their separate ways.[](http://alyxrush.tumblr.com/post/111575002376/destiel-au-apricot-pt-9)  
  



	9. Chapter 9

Picking season officially starts. Cas asks if he can organize a trip for the kids one day to help. Sam jumps at it, mostly because he likes kids more than Cas. Dean just thinks seeing Cas sounds like a good plan and child labor laws be damned for education, so what the hell. Why not?

They go to the bar that night to meet up with the other man. He’s pretty much bouncing up to Cas when he registers his best friend isn’t looking at him but over toward the bar. He doesn’t say anything and takes his seat after Sam.

Cas finally looks over and smiles. It’s weird, to Dean anyway. He stops thinking too much about it and focuses on something else.

By the time Jo, the bartenders daughter, gives them their first round, Meg is slipping in beside Cas, arm on Cas’ shoulder. He realizes then that that must’ve been who Cas was paying attention to when he and Sam got here.

Dean can feel himself burn from the inside with each little touch she gives Cas.

He tries to keep away from it, is not like he knew she would be coming. So instead Dean listens and laughs as Jo hits him for being a stranger. Jo Harvelle is closer to Sam's age and one of the toughest chicks he’s ever met. You look at her and think ‘cute spunky blonde’ but you’d better watch out ‘cause she’ll knock your teeth out. Inevitably, Jo has to get back to work and his distraction leaves.

Sam and Meg are debating about something. Deans barely registering, something about the morality in being a lawyer. Sam says it depends on the person and Meg says money makes the person and the lawyer. Money the root of all evil. Sets Sam off on the good in people-

Somewhere in there Cas says something about Cain, a man that lives out side of town as a beekeeper, and his bees and honey collecting. Almost like he wants away from the debate, as tired of it and Dean feels.

Meg, with her dark curly hair and her ruby red lipstick, smooches his cheek saying something about how sweet Cas is. Her fingers weaving in Cas’ hair playfully.

Dean hits the end there. He’s had 4 beers and 2 shots, gets up, startling the table and says he’s heading home.

“You can’t drive-” Sam starts to get up before Dean tosses his keys down.

“Not driving. Stay. Need a walk anyways.” He says to his brother, not looking at the rest of the table before he heads out.

It’s a long walk of thinking. He should call Sandover in the morning.

His feet drag over the road, hands in his leather jacket pockets, examining what he’s doing here.  
That whatever he’s doing here is poisonous for him in the long run.

He’s adding to the things he can’t let go of, not doing what ever Cas’ grand plan was. Hes drunk (ish) and knows he has no right, that theres more to this and it shouldn't matter who Cas is with.   
Dean just stuck solidifying he’s fucking wrapped around Cas’ stupid finger. Pining and moping. Probably has been that way since the day their parents sat the toddlers down on the same play mat.

Warped enough to know Cas doesn’t love him, knows he’s screwed, and enough to let him sit there and try to talk himself into being okay with whatever this is while some harpy hangs off Cas.  
Touches Cas. _His_ Cas. But not ‘his’. Not like that. That’s just Dean unable to reconcile a whole life of wanting what’s right in front of you and not having it while someone else does.

When he finally gets home a hour later, He ends up walking off the drive way to the house and into the orchard. The air smells like fruit and flowers.

His dad used to tell him about picking the best one. Dean always wanted the biggest fruit but it was actually the smaller ones his dad picked that tasted sweetest. Some stupid memory he can’t shake now.

Maybe it’s time to just settle. Maybe if he had tried harder with Benny, or someone, it would’ve been enough.

  
He sits on a broken down tractor wondering why he came back and stayed. About what his dad would think if he knew about him now. If he had come out before he passed, and what kind of guy it makes him that at almost 30 he’s finally able to process he’s gay. Or has been processing for sometime now, even though nothing feels right, still.

Wonders if John Winchester would have been disgusted or not even surprised. Maybe his dad knew. Could tell by how Dean followed Castiel Novak around. Maybe that’s why John never said anything about Dean coming back. What will his mom think?-

“Dean.” He hears Cas’ voice, half scaring him enough to flinch.

“Can you not wander around in darkness like that, fucking batman. Jesus.” Dean snaps a little, trying to swallow back the emotions he had been feeling.  
“How’d you find me anyway? It’s dark as hell out here, man.”

“I thought we covered this.”

“I’m not a shitty hider. I’m not even hiding.” Dean looks at him, exasperated.

“But I’m still good at always finding you."Cas sits next to him on the foot well of the beat up machinery.  
It makes Dean feel like choking up. Why does Cas say crap like that?

"Why are you here, Cas?”

“Dropped Meg off. Had a feeling you were around.”

Meg. Right. For a moment there he forgot about her, like he keeps forgetting about her. It’s always been hard to remember the world moving around when Cas is next to him.

Cas showing up to remind him of it just serves to annoy him.

“Yea. It’s my property, I do that. I don’t need the company though, so ya know, you can go back or whatever.”

“Do you want it?” Cas hummed thoughtfully.

“Want what?”

“You said you didn’t need company. But do you want mine?”

Dean just stares at the man, quiet. What kind of question is that? Like a trick question? Why does he ask things like that? Misleading- almost toying?

“You’re a real piece of work. Do you enjoy this?” Dean spits out.

“Enjoy what?”

“Fuck you, Cas.” Dean rubbed the bridge of his nose, eyes closing as he seeks some sort of control under the alcohol he’s had and the emotional whiplash,“ I’m calling Sandover tomorrow. I’m tired of this whatever it is you’re doing. And I’ve got shit to go back to.”

Cas’ hand is slipped over Deans, fingers overlapping on top of cold metal. The one that’s between them gripping the foot well of the tracker. It’s so unexpected, he thinks he sucks in a breath, eyes looking at it like if he blinks it’ll be gone.

“So you’re running again.” Cas whispers.

Dean just keeps staring at their hands, trying to get his mouth back and working.

“I’m not. I’m just-”

“Scared?” That deep tenor asks, but it isn’t really a question.

Dean glares, sharp green eye snapping up to blue,”You know how I feel, Cas. And you’re fucking using it. With this-“

He’s pulling his hand back but Cas doesn’t let go. Cas’ fingers slip into his and tighten.  
“And how do you feel, Dean?”

“Are you fucking serious? Right now- _pissed_ \- let go.” Deans voice comes off demanding.

“If you really wanted me too, you’d just take your hand back.”

That makes Deans chest hurt. This whole thing about being in love with Cas has been this way. Life long pining and whatever. Cas is right, Dean knows his options. He’s just not strong enough to do anything about it. The strongest thing he did was pack up to college before he went insane.

“You’re cheating, Cas. Just let me go. I quit. I don’t want to do this.”

“Do what?” Cas presses, head turned to Dean. He glows soft under the white light from the moon; hits blue eyes just right. Makes them just piercing enough to have Dean feel his stomach flip and tighten.

“Cas stop-”

“You’re always leaving instead of saying what you want. Cowardice doesn’t suit you.” The other man speaks is a calm tone, all knowing and annoying as hell.

“I want a lot of things, Cas.-” Dean can feel his lips peel back in a snarl, like he needs to defend himself from this onslaught even though he’s completely defenseless out here, alone in the dark. In the orchard with Cas, dancing around the elephant in the room.

Castiel doesn’t get that Dean wants to keep ignoring the elephant.

“No, you don’t. You just want one.”

Dean is dying, staring at Cas. What does Cas get from this? Saying it won’t make it go away. Deans sure it’ll be the opposite. That saying it will make it impossible to take back. Make it impossible to kill.

“Let me go, Cas. Christ, just me me go.” His own voice sounds thick, tired. Deans other hand rubs over his face, exhausted and high strung. Cas won’t give him back his hand.

Dean just wants his hand back. And his heart. For fucks sake he can smell Meg’s perfume clinging to Cas’ clothes even now, the smoke of the bar.  
Castiels hand is warm and dry, folded over his and steady. Dean won’t fool himself into thinking there’s anything to it. Right now he just feels cornered and small. This hand over his is like a doctor or a nurse, coming to tell you your times up. Except Cas won’t just cut to the chase. He probably wants Dean to grow from this or something in some fucked up mature logical way that makes no sense to Dean himself.

Beside him he hears the other male sigh.

“Just say it, Dean.” Cas doesn’t sound like he’s teasing or being stern and emotionless about it anymore. Now he’s looking Dean straight in the face like he just wants this over as bad as Dean does.

Over-? It that what happens?

“I don’t understand what you’re so afraid of, the past?” Cas’ voice keeps Deans mind from wandering off again.

“The past?” Dean finds himself snorting, pulling his hand away from his face. If only the past were Deans only problem here.

“Unless you’ve got something to say now. What do you need to stop leaving here? You’re not happy there, Dean. But you are here. With Mary and Sam, Jess- all of us. Is going what you really want? You’re not a boy anymore.”

Dean wants to say it, to spit it out. But it’s not just the past that was in love with Cas. And what he wants isn’t tangible. It’s on the tip of his tongue, breathing a little off as his eyes search Cas desperately. They search his face and eyes, the curve of his jaw. The stubble there and Cas’ pink lightly chapped lips.

Deans throat tightens around the words, ready to just get this over with, till he sees the smear of color on Cas’ jaw, rubbed away lipstick. Takes in Cas’ image. His hair messy, always messy, but now Dean doesn’t want to think why. The waxy lip print on his cheek and neck, the undertone of sticky sweet perfume.

He can’t. Dean wants this over but he doesn’t want to let go of the last thing of Cas that he has. His secret. Nothing comes out of saying it. Even if he did, this isn’t how he’d want it. To the one person he can’t forget, holding onto his hand and looking so sincere with someone else’s traces littered all over him.

Maybe Cas thinks if they talk about it out loud Dean will get over him. Maybe that’s what this is about. But he knows it’s not true. Saying it out loud just makes it so much more vivid. So much more obvious that it isn’t just the past but the present and from then on.

So he yanks his hand back this time, and Cas looks just as stunned as Dean feels bitter and aching. They are his feelings, not anyone else’s. If he can’t or won’t say them, that’s his choice.

“Good night, Cas.”

This time it’s Dean that gets the last word and walks back and goes inside.


	10. Chapter 10

He doesn’t talk to Cas for a while. It seems like a week flies by. Sam gets a few days off from school and brings Jess down with him. (Of course he does, they’re practically a package deal. Attached at the hip.)

They help load crates into backs of pick ups, the festival will be in a couple weeks. These crates go out to town, produce for the market and for orders from other people. It’s more of a laborious job. Ellen and Jo show up to help, Bobby lends Dean a couple crew guys from the auto shop to help drive the crates for the festival.

Cas and the kids should be visiting in a day or two. Not that that matters. Dean is a grown up and he can handle it like a grown up. That doesn’t mean he’s not getting meaningful looks from the love birds every chance they think he’s not paying attention.

Finally, he gets cornered. Jess waits till its just the two of them loading crates and Sam is talking to Mary and the driver before she strikes.

“Sam told me about what happened last week.” She starts, blowing blonde bangs out of her face as Dean nails a lid onto a wooden box to load.

“What about it?” He plays dumb, like he doesn’t know exactly what she’s getting at.

“The thing. With you pretty much storming out at the bar.” Her small hands are perched on her hips, brow raised.“Sam is worried.”

He shoves the last crate in and turns to look at her, wiping sweat from his brow.  
It’s kinda a low blow to pull the Sam card, she knows he buckles under that stuff.

“He’s always worried. It’s nothin’.”

“Dean, you were just….finally starting to seem happy here.” She sighed. Everyone seems to be sighing at him recently. Like this is tiring to them too- this Dean Cas deal- and they don’t even know the half of it.

That’s the thing that bugs Dean the most, hurts the most. He _was_ happy. But he was happy because he kept forgetting the real world in favor of one where it feels like how life felt as a kid. And Cas is here. And Sam is bitching about term papers or whatever but Sam's happy and in love with a saucy Jessica and about to get his masters and Cas… Cas makes Dean feel. Makes Dean imagine feeling what he feels is good and he’s maybe not even alone.

But he doesn’t say that. Not any of it.

“I called Sandover. And after the end of the season, after harvest, I gotta get back.” He tells her instead.

She gives him a long look, but nothing else gets said.

——

The day the kids come is a little hectic. Cas looks exhausted- like he’s been rounding them up all day and chasing them. Which he probably has, and it says a lot because to Deans knowledge this is only the first stop for the kids. After they pick their fruit they’ll be taken to go see how things like jams, drying, and pie making are done for the festival.

Some of the kids Dean knows, because their parents help work at the orchard or have worked a season before. Kids he’s played with or because he went to school with their parents ((which is scary)). 10 years- some of these little humans started existence and grew while he was away.

Dean doesn’t look at Cas or interact with him specifically because he doesn’t know how. But he _does_ know how to abuse child labor laws and teach them crating and picking. For educative purposes.

Cas, or Mr.Novak, is kinda lucky. He grew up here just as much as Sam or Dean, so he has no problem showing kids how to pick for their baskets and how to pack them. Something that the other teacher who brought her kids doesn’t have the luxury of.

Somewhere along the way there are more kids than ladders and Dean looks over to see Cas letting a kid up on his shoulders to reach apricots.

He gets caught red handed by Cas looking, and Dean is stuck in a awkward place of not being able to look away. Sam and Jess help kids up a couple ladders and the girl on Cas’ shoulders plops apricots into the waiting basket in Cas’ hands while neither of them look away. Green eyes on Blue.  
He caves first when he feels little hands tug his jeans, another little boy that wants what Cas and the little girl got going on.  
Before he knows it, Dean is less child overlord and more human child cherry picker.

Kids start making a game of who can fill baskets faster- on Dean’s shoulders or Cas’ shoulders.

Dean can’t even fight with the snide remark about this being Cas’ fault that they are now glorified pack mules- kids hanging off his Legs, arms, and on his shoulders.

In the end Sam gets roped in and it’s not even fair. Dean is seriously pointing out the flaws in this game and how rigged it is. And illegal.

“Did parents sign a hazard consent form? Sam is like a 2 story fall.”

Cas just groans, grateful they all clamored to the giant and not him anymore, rolling his shoulders.

—

When it’s over, they start picking up the things that got knocked over, the kids following after his brother and Jess to meet Mary and learn a little about what people do with the fruit.

Dean’s painfully aware of them being alone now, that and Cas’ eyes are on him.

“What?” He says, a little annoyed. They havn’t spoken since that night and Dean is still raw with how bitter he feels over what happened.

“Dean, I wanted to apologize. For pushing something you don’t want to-”

“I don’t wanna talk about it, Cas. It’s fine.”

“I didn’t mean cause a rift or anything, I only….I just wanted-” He hears Castiel try to look for the right words.

“Cas, it’s cool. Just forget about it. It’s not a big deal.-”

“I disagree. I think it is a big deal,” The blue eyed man says agitated.

“I’m leaving after harvest.” Dean cut him off,“ going back to work.”

He doesn’t even know why that felt so important to say, thinking that Cas will sigh and give up this…. Character building of Dean thing.

But Cas doesn’t look defeated or annoyed or anything.

He looks stunned.

“Oh. Of course.” There’s a whole story more but it seems like Cas isn’t saying any of it, and now Dean is standing there wanting to know what is going unsaid.

“I didn’t quit.” Deans brows furrowed, wondering why Cas looks genuinely shocked, maybe even hurt. Did he think Dean had officially moved back or something?

“I know that. You just….”

“Just what?”

“You’ve been happy.”

“It was like a vacation, people are happy on vacations.” Dean just wants to end this conversation by collecting stray crates and cleaning. This ‘you are happy’ slogan everyone has adopted for him is getting old quick.

“Happy here. As in, maybe to stay.” Cas is standing next to him as Dean works. Castiels arms hang at his sides.

He looks strange that way, like a kid again. His arms limp and face searching for something Dean doesn’t know.

“Not everyone has things for them here, Cas. And I’ve got an apartment under my name and maybe even a promotion to get back to.”

Cas’ face is becoming more neutral.

“Okay,” his friend says, the conversation seeming to end.


	11. Chapter 11

Sam shows up the next day specifically to tell Dean he’s heard about leaving.  
The older Winchester brushes it off but Sam keeps following him around asking if it’s about Cas.

“No. Why does it have to be about Cas?”

“It’s always been about Cas.” Sam trailed after him while Dean put their moms groceries away.

“No it isn’t.” It starting to get under his skin, how many people think they know this stuff about he and Cas? How many people could be in on this pathetic life long crush he’s trying to get passed. He hasn’t even talked to Sam about any of that crap.

Not about college and Aaron or Benny- obviously not about / _Castiel Novak_ /.

“I just don’t get it. Why are you leaving then? You’re happy here, Dean. Why can’t you be happy here? You don’t even like Sandover. You don’t even do what you wanted to do there. You went to college for engineering-”

“And got a business degree which I use and makes plenty money anyway. And you know what, why is everyone making it seem like I’m miserable?-” Dean scowled at a can of tomatoes, stuffing them in the cupboard. His brother throws up his arms- almost hitting the ceiling behind him.

“We know you, Dean! The only reason no one told you about it is because it took dad dying for you to be in town longer than 5 hours once a year!-”

It stings, Deans shoulders turning rigid as soon as the words leave Sams mouth. There’s a awkward silence before he sees Sam sag, going to the fridge. He passed a bottle of beer to Dean, a mumbled apology. He knows Sam didn’t mean it the way he’s taking it but it doesn’t make him feel better.

“And maybe it isn’t Cas.” Sam sighed making Deans jaw tightening a little,“ Maybe not all of it. Even when you left. Maybe you needed space and all that stuff, because I get that- I’ve left too, but I come back. Why don’t you come back, Dean? You’re finally here and fine- you are going back to Sandover, but is it going to be the same? Poof and you’re gone?” His oversized brother somehow has a voice that sounds like he’s ten again, almost pleading. It burns the older siblings ears.

“You love this place, Dean. You took to working the orchard for mom like a duck to water and I’ve seen you laugh and be happy more this last 2 months than the last few years I’ve seen you total.” Sam says,“ Just think…think about it. About what you wanna do. You could do anything, but you talk yourself down to that place. What do you want Dean?”

Dean took a long drink from the bottle, condensation under his hands, hips against the counter. It’s crazy, Cas had said the same things in different context. Not all of it, but that one part.

That sentence keeps coming back to him.

_‘What do you want, Dean?’_

——-

Jess gets him to go out the night before the festival. Her and Sam- and they go to the Roadhouse. The whole day had been spent helping set up in town what they’ll need to unpack- and delivering last minute to other vendors.

So by the time they get to the bar, Deans hands are calloused again after spending years away from this prep work. His jeans are faded and shirt worn out but comfortable. Jess tries to help rub off some of the filth; saw dust and grit on his face when they sat down, but really they all look like they’ve been to hell and back.

Dean supposes this is sort of like a celebratory drink. It goes unsaid but they had been worried about how this would go without John and so far, thanks to Dean and Sam pulling together with all the amazing field hands, and Jess and even Cas, the prospects look great.

Dean and Jess are 3 shots in, Sam trying to be the responsible one but spending most of his time laughing at them, when Cas shows up. He falls right into the seat beside Dean like he doesn’t even think about it despite the fact they havn’t seen each other or spoken since that night. Dean isn’t sure how to feel about it either.

It seems like the only other thing no one is talking about besides John is whatever may or may not be going on with Cas and Dean lately.

“What took you so long?” Jess slid a beer to Cas.

“Decorating down town,” Cas groaned, taking an appreciative drink.

Turns out the kids got to help make banners for the vending stalls. Which lead to him having to clean up glitter and paint and confetti again.

“Poor bastard,” Dean chuckled, ignoring the shot of electricity that traveled up his arm when Cas’ elbow nudged his on the table.

He gets to snort his way through listening to how much Cas detests the inventor of glitter while he polishes off the last of his bottle.

They get through another beer before Dean notices how warm Cas is. Cas, who is taking Jell-O shots with a suspicious look, leaning against Dean and chuckling at Sam. Sam is trying to explain over Jess what really happened last Fourth of July when they burned moms drapes because _Jess_ (depending on who’s version you’re following) lit the firework the wrong way (into the house). She of course blames Sam.

Emerald eyes end up watching when Cas tells a story he remembers too, to a well buzzed Jess.

It’s about lighting fireworks off the roof when they were 14. And from there- the one time around Halloween when they were 12 and Sam jumped off the roof to copy Dean and broke his arm. He ended up taking Sam to the emergency room on his bike, both still dressed up like superheros.

“I was just there to watch and panic from the grass. Dean took care of Sam like second nature,” Cas said,“ Always a hero.”

There’s a warmth there Dean can’t help staring at while Sam groans at the memory and tries to explain to Jess why he did that jump in the first place. Dean isn’t listening to it though, Cas’ eyes are glancing over at him and lingering. Dean can’t seem to really make himself ignore it like he has this last week.

He ends up reaching over and rubbing Cas’ cheek,   
“Glitter.” Dean explained, voice only loud enough for the other male to hear, hand hovering before his thumb ran over Castiels stubble. Brief and short, but he couldn’t help it.

That cheeky look Cas had kinda falters, lips parting like he needs to say something, and Dean really wants to hear it— before Sams voice interjects.

“That reminds me- Cas, you said Meg’s car is down. Why don’t you ask Dean to look at it-”

Blue eyes look away and the moment is gone just as easily as it came. Deans hand immediately coming back to the table like it never left.

His stomach feels empty despite all the contents he’s been filling it with- apricot salsa to apricot pie taste testing all day. Not counting alcohol.

“Yea. Sure.” He says, lifting his glass.

Cas looks back over at him like hes again surprised. Yea, okay, Dean could see that. He doesn’t really want to fix Cas’ girlfriends anything to be honest.

“Thank you, Dean.” Cas’ lips tug into one of those barely there smiles.

Like signing a contract, hearing Cas say that means that, yes, he’s actually going to do it.


	12. Chapter 12

The festival is the next day. Mary is helping out at the pie station where they have a giant oven that gets hauled out every year that can make a giant pie enough to feed a couple hundred people.   
  
Sam is the guy people throw bean bags at to dump into a vat of cold water- and Jess is the volunteer that tries to lure people to do it.  
  
The look of horror Sam made when his girlfriend stood up to plate had the older Winchester nearly crying in laughter. For his part, Dean’s like the handy man, running around to help with small problems. Things like banners falling, locating missing supplies and ingredients. He’s decided he’s going to dunk Sam before the end of the night if it kills him, no matter how busy he’ll get. 

  
Cas has a troop of kids, like some of the other volunteers, but their job is running the other activity booths. They follow after him like ducklings, on and off calls of ‘Mr.Novak’ chorus around catching Deans ears. They’re in charge of the booths that are doing things like rings tosses on bottles and balloon spray games. Apricot bobbing. The standard must have game circuit.   
  
There’s a apricot bbq booth that Dean is having a hard time not going over to. People keep walking by with glaze burgers that make his mouth water.   
  
 As far as seeing Cas goes, Dean only gets a glance or two. The teacher in question had chalk on his cheek, saturated fingers and dusted up his arms from the chalk murals kids have been drawing over by the towns little square just passed the food stalls. No, it isn’t cute, and no, Dean doesn’t feel a pang just seeing that messy mop of hair. He gets a break and steps up to buy 3 bags for dunking Sam. How often does the opportunity rise to dunk your brother consequence free? $15 seems like a steal to Dean.   
  
He gives one to Jess and one to himself. Jess misses and Sam talks the most crap one can talk on a suspended platform to your brother in front of families. In little orange shorts. And a apricot logo painted to your chest.   
  
 When Dean misses, he’s startled by a snort beside him, blue eyes rolling at him while Jess shoves Cas’ arm.  
Dunking Sam is important to Jess, too, obviously. Nay Sayers can take a hike.   
  
 "May I?“  
  
 "Cas, you’re a terrible shot.” Dean frowns.   
  
 "Not enjoying sports does not mean I am not able to throw.“   
  
 "Not enjoying sports because you suck at them does.” Dean grumbles but he’s already passing it to Cas even as they bicker. All the tension he expected from seeing and talking to Cas feels like just background noise now.   
  
Sam, high and mighty asshole, waves to the building crowd like a pageant queen. Apparently the three of them loosing their shit over not drenching Sam is half the show.   
His brother grins, crossed arms, and starts asking for a ,real challenge' from the gathered public. Of course he’s a little insulted, but mostly because Jess isn’t helping- just is cackling while Dean scowls.   
  
Until Cas actually throws the bean bag at Sam instead of the red slide bar and it startles his clumsy giant brother enough to have him flail off his seat into the tub of water all on his own.   
  
The crowd breaks into laughter and cheers. Maybe Dean kinda loves Cas all over again for it.   
  
Weirdly when he looks over, Cas is frowning. “I was aiming for the bar.”   
  
 Jess nearly dies, “That’s a full 2 foot difference,Cas-” she wheezes, hunched over.   
  
 Sam comes up gasping and pulling himself out making indignant noises about the cold water, a few girls whistle and and men hollering as his brother climbs out like a mermaid, hair flipping back.   
  
 "I told you you suck,“ the older Winchester grins down at Cas, shoulders bumping.   
  
 —–   
  
 The next morning Castiel is passed out on top of Sam in their guest room. Dean and Jess are making eggs and coffee while Mary is sleeping upstairs.  
  
"Still leaving?”   
  
 "Think so.“   
  
Jess is quiet about it before saying,” What would make you not think so?“   
  
 "What do you mean?”  
  
 "You said you think so. What would make you stay?“   
  
 "I have a job, Jess. I know you and Sam are all gun ho about me just staying here but I had a life. I’ve been leaving it alone down there too long.” Dean breaks the eggs in the skillet. It feels a little rehearsed, probably because he knows he’ll have to say this exact thing to at least 3 other people when he leaves.  
  
“Yea, okay, enough bullshit, Dean. Yes, I like actually seeing you and Sam is ecstatic. You could work here if you wanted. And you like-”   
  
 "If one more person tells me I like it here- i'm going to jail for first degree murder. Yea, I like it here. I like my family and they rock but maybe I’m happy back in LA too.“ He looked at her, folding the eggs with a determination in his features.   
  
 "Are you?”   
  
That annoying question everyone has a memo about asking him.  
  
When he thinks about it, about the nice but plain and empty apartment; the bottle of whiskey on the counter, the blue sheets that he ignores his reason in color choice over- his closet of nothing but dress shirts– the emptiness.   
  
No, he wasn’t happy. But in a lot of ways he knew why being here would not, and would never be, good for him. At least there he could pretend. At least there if he slipped up or fucked some nameless guy- no one had to know about it, and no one he cares about would know or care. He was just another face with another nameless face.   
  
The city is a big place of strangers. Dean needs that. It’s better than laying out in the fields at dusk, watching Cas and Sam drink after work and fail at playing poker. It’s better than starving himself in presence of the very thing that’s eating him.   
  
God, he wants Cas. And maybe he’ll never get over Castiel, it’s been most of his life trying to want just his company or to not want or think about Cas, but he sure as hell has no shot here- looking after Cas and Meg while trying to pretend he’s busy running his family's orchard.[](http://alyxrush.tumblr.com/post/112053759916/destiel-au-apricot-pt-13)  
  



	13. Chapter 13

Meg is at Cas’ house but Cas isn’t. The house is just a small little thing, painted yellow. A two bed room place. The yard is over grown in wild flowers- something that at the sight of reminds Dean of a show and tell when they were young. One where Cas spent the whole time talking about plants beneficial to bees.

He should’ve known then how big of a dork Cas was going to be. The guy grew up and painted his house yellow. Deans not even going to pretend that that isn’t because of this mild obsession about those bugs.

He’s pretty sure Cas would be insulted he called Bees bugs. What should he call them? Stinging flies?

Castiel sends a text to Dean saying he’ll be there after work. Dean swallows down the sickness he feels. He parks his baby and doesn’t bother telling the other occupant he’s there, instead popping the hood and getting to work.

He smells Meg’s perfume before he sees her, arms deep in engine and grease when she leans beside him in her tank top, cleavage pressed. Meg Masters went to high school with them, grew up in this town like them. She used to hang out with Gordon’s group, bunch of pricks, somehow her and Cas always seemed kinda friendly. He never got it, and he never thought of all people it would be Meg that his best friend ended up with. Bitterly, he tells himself the world makes up all kinds. Maybe it takes a grade school teacher, part time angel part time asshole to date the dark witch that is Meg. He bets she needs to feed off of Castiels goodness to be strong enough to walk in the daylight.

Maybe it’s dramatic. He might never see this demon as good enough for Cas, but it’s not like he’s sat down with her before- till recently. Dean knows he’s biased.

“Mm. Long time no see, Deano. Ran out at the bar before I could say goodbye,”

Her voice is sultry and thick in his ear making his skin crawl, shooting her a glance.

“Had things to do.” Deans tone is clipped.

“I’m sure.”

“Look Meg, if you got nothin else to do, can you go somewhere else.” He’s irritated, he knows it. He’s glad Cas isn’t there because the only thing worse then Meg is Meg around Cas.

She just purrs a laugh, candy in her mouth as she stays where she is. She’s got that bright cherry lipstick on, the same shade he remembers on Cas' neck, dark eyes humored.

“You’re a bit testy with me. What did lil ole me do to you, Deany boy?”

“I’m trying to fix your damn car and you’re here for no reason. Beat it Meg.”

Meg ends up leaning in low, Dean trying hard to focus on what he’s doing, ignoring her.

“I’m willing to bet it’s because while you were gone I’ve been a busy birdy. No Dean left Cas a lonely boy.”

Deans jaw is setting, ignoring Meg as much as he can, chest heavy.

“Meg. not so kindly - fuck off.”

“-Shame too. You really missed out. Everyone thinks you’re such a wholesome all American boy. Played football, helped out your old man, worked to get lil Sammy to Stanford. I saw it though-” Meg is humming like this is casual conversation. Reminiscing a fond past.  
“Hypocritical of me to say I don’t get it. There’s just something about him, ya know. Back in high school your eyes followed him everywhere- I saw-“

Dean swallowed, the eerie feeling of knowing where this is going and feeling himself go cold with it- heart racing and hands clammy, “I don’t know what you’re going on about-“

“God- he was just so—so corruptable. Big blue eyes and when he started baseball? Oh, man. Got all the girls dewy. Oh- he got your blood pumping too of course-”

Dean full on drops the wrench in, cursing and grabbing the grill in frustration, heat and dread running down to his stomach.

“— that’s nothing though. Dean, lemme tell ya, seeing as you might not have a shot-” Meg leaned into his ear,“ all that fluffy innocence goes right out the window when he gets between a pair of legs-”

Dean felt his face fall, lead stomach. He can’t take this. Thinking about Meg and Cas and the past- and Meg /knows/-

He already got the spark plugs in— he can’t stay. Not anymore.  
So he slams the hood shut, Meg voicing back with a laugh.

“What’s wrong, Deano? Just having some fun-” she almost sings, dust from from the drive way clouding up around them with how fast she humps back and he is moving away.

Dean is grabbing his shit and leaving, her voice ringing in his head.

‘Big blue eyes—’

'All that fluffy innocence-’

He knows he’s no better. How many nights has he wrapped his own hand around his cock and imagined it was Cas? How many times has he gasped that name to a stranger?

He knows. He’s the same breed as Meg but maybe worse. Deans slept with people, of course Cas has. Deans just trying not to think of Cas being with anyone that way. He knows of course that’s unrealistic but imaging Cas ‘between a pair of legs’— with Meg or some faceless woman-

Deans turning just in time to see Cas coming up the drive way.

“Dean—?—”

He doesn’t stop though, just dodges right passed Cas, face hot.

“Dean!”

——

He gets home and climbing out of his pick up- Dean doesn’t like driving baby too much around the back roads— probably running a few stop signs.  
Words don’t really describe how he feels. It’s not like he’s a moron. He knew something was going on with them. Meg outing him was a twist but it didn’t measure up to listening to her almost brag. Talk about Cas that way.

Sure, he’s never going to know what Cas’ skin feels like, or wake up with him. But there’s more to Cas then that. Dean doesn’t deny he wants his friend that way, clearly. Its his biggest problem. Not just sexual intimacy but wanting everything. Its been his life's problem. So big its suffocating. But he’s long since realized that it isn’t that stuff that gets buried in Deans skin.

Meg can keep her memories of Cas in bed. He doesn’t want to know. For every dirty little kink she can throw, Dean has a hundred memories and facts about Cas that could out weigh it.

Yet, he still feels so….stupid? For somehow agreeing to even seeing Meg for Cas. For daring to be hurt over someone that wasn’t his, _again_. Ashamed? For being so transparent even Meg Masters picked him out. Hurt? Hurt. Hurt at grasping so desperately at straws, at how Cas stayed close, how Cas looked at him, Cas fucking finding him all over again and how he wanted it to mean something-

“Dean!!!” There’s a door slamming, Dean turning as he heading up his driveway to see Cas jumping out of his car.

“Not now, Cas.” Deans voice is rough, a heat under it with no bite. It’s almost 5 and he just wants to be done with the day so he can pack and go to bed. He’s just done. He wants to get in bed. Quit the day and be pathetic alone with his friend Jack, thank you very much.

“Dean, wait-” Cas is fast, right on his heels, grabbing his arm.

Deans tools drop, chest hammering- dizzy with too many bottled up repressed things and too much strained with Meg Masters voices sing songing at him- and he’s too late to control anything.

Cas is looking at him with concern, anxious, blue blue so blue eyes. The air is sweet and warm, skin a little sticky but none of that really matters.

Not when Cas half yelps when Deans tools clatter and boots scuff up the gravel drive way, Dean pushing Cas back, hands gabbing him by the base of his head and pulling him forward.

Their mouths hit and sting. Dean doesn’t care. It’s the rush, the burn, Cas, hands gabbing his sleeves in shock and tugging.

When Cas opens his mouth to protest, Dean presses closer, noses crushing ungraceful. Teeth clack, pretty sure snagging the inside of his lip when he tastes the metallic tang of his insanity.

Dean decides, fuck it, he’s going to hell anyway at this rate.

  
He swallows the sounds and holds Cas so close he hopes there will be a imprint against him. Hand on the nape of Cas’ neck, his other weaving and slipping fingers into the soft disobedient locks and tightening.

Keeps them that way, lips crushing, a forest fire housed under his skin, swallowing Cas’ gasps to taste, till he can’t breathe.

 


	14. Chapter 14

He is isn’t sure what would come of it. He wasn’t thinking.  
Cas’ hands are hot iron, planting them selves on Deans chest and sinking through him. For a moment, he gasps, feeling like maybe Cas got it. Maybe he felt it.

Not so much.

Cas shoves him off, sending Dean stumbling back.  
They’re both panting, hands over their mouths. Did that really happen? It’s a stunned silence, to the older Winchester it’s the sound of the universe falling apart at the seams.

“Shit.” Dean huffed, exhausted, feeling his body turn to ice, the high of the moment crashing down and sinking his insides.

“What the  _/HELL/_ , Dean-”

Enough. Enough with this game.

“You know what?! I **loved** you-” he’s spitting it out, voice angry and cracking, obviously there’s no turning back, he mine as well take the damn blow,

“I fucking loved you, Cas.”

Green eyes are glassed. He keeps his hand half over his mouth like a instinct to help himself in case tears really do win this round.

“Even as kids. And- You knew- you  _knew_ — I just— I can’t.  _Cant_  do this-”

“Dean, for fucks sake. What are you-”

“This, Cas. Whatever you’re doing- the being around, the memory talk, the fucking—- the fucking ‘I can always find you’— just don’t! Don’t say that crap to me- and that look-”

“Look?” Cas huffed a dry laugh. There’s no humor there, almost mocking.

“Yea! The fucking  _look_!” Dean barked, falling back on his anger, anger he could manage,“ you fucking  _/look/_  at me, like-”

“Like what, Dean?! Like I always have?!—”

“LIKE YOU WANT ME!” The taller man shouted, pulse in his ears.

“Dean-” Castiel exhaled, his hand rubbing his forehead.

“Like you actually want me- then you show up and you smell like her fucking perfume and you tell me shit, like how you ‘knew’— I just—- I need—”

“Dean, I  _want_  you to stay-”

“Yea well, I  _want_  to not feel like I’m a fucking pawn to you, how about that? I want to /feel/ again, Cas- and I want it from someone not you- it’s not happening if I stay here-”

“Why did you kiss me?”

“Are you shitting me-”, Dean stopped, just standing there, looking at Cas like a mad man.

“You said you loved me,”

Dean huffed, weak and borderline hysterical, grabbing his hair, listening to this unfathomable hard to predict man he grew up with.

“Why did you leave, Dean?” His best friend steps forward, questions chasing after the older Winchester.

“You know why.”

“Maybe I’m sick of not hearing you fucking say anything-” Cas’ voice is like thunder, Dean feeling Castiel’s timber down to his toes,“Maybe you should open your god forsaken mouth and say what you want instead of letting it go like it meant nothing!!”

“ /Meant nothing/?! I didn’t just ‘let it go’—”

Cas stomped up into his personal space, blue orbs searing into Dean.  
“Easy to say that when you are not the one that got left behind. You’ve already got your bags packed and set up again-”

He glared down into Cas’ eyes, refused to submit to this. He did what he had to. Then and Now.

“You ‘loved’ me.” His tone is haughty, head tilting out when he says ‘loved’, almost snorting.

“Yea,” Dean snarled, fists tight, nails biting into the meat of his palm. There may have been a lot of things in his life he didn’t know about. What he felt for Cas, that’s the one thing that has always been a constant.

He isn’t thrilled with how the other man seems to make fun of that.

“You. Left. Me.” Each word is heavy, accusing, angry. Angry in a way Dean isn’t sure he’s seen in Cas before. "You _chose_ this."

“I didn’t-”

“You left, I didn’t know until Sam told me.”

Deans having a hard time focusing, Cas’ body heat too close and his chest hurts.

“Fuck you, Cas, what do you want?” His voice feels rough, like the inside of his throat had to be scraped for these words, wobbling,“ Don’t you have enough from me? Was this fun? Is this fun?—”

“For once in your life, Dean Winchester, can you tell me what you want?”

“Don’t do this-” he shook his head.

“Dean, look at me-”

Dean hadn’t even noticed how he started looking at the ground. Started to back away. He doesn’t want to say anything or do anything so permanently damaging. Escaping Like he’s a teenager all over again not a grown man.

“What are you afraid of?”

“Why are you doing this, Cas? What do you get out of this-”

“Dean, tell me what you want.”

“I want a lot of things.” He swallowed.

“Do you? Enlighten me. If I told you you could have me, would that keep you here?”

Have you ever felt like an entire room suddenly became a vacuum? Skin tight enough to split over bone? Lungs crushed? Head dizzy, eyes burning?  
But Dean is not in a room. He’s outside, feet away from his porch, so out of breath it pains him. Taking it apart, what he hears is some twisted way of Cas bargaining with him. The other mans hand gently wrapped around his arm again.

“You liked it, didn’t you? Seeing Sam and Jess, Mary. Us in the fields-"Castiel’s tone is imploring, like maybe Dean is the one who gave him something he doesn’t want to lose.

Maybe he did. He let Cas think they could best friends like when they were kids. He can’t, he’s a shitty person who’s just not that strong. Cas giving that up just to get Dean to stay….

"No. You don’t get it,” Deans lips tremble into a smirk, forcing back all the resolve he thought he had when he showed up here,“I don’t just ‘want’ you- this isn’t some— some cheap lusty shit- I don’t know how to— I don’t  _/want/_  to have to explain what I-”

“Then why don’t you clear it up for me.”

Dean set his jaw, steeling over. Cas sounds annoyed, put off, mouth in a straight line. The same mouth he got to taste minutes before.   
How can he be so agitated about something that Dean has had to deal with his whole life? What right does he get? It’s not like his heart is out on the line. When did Cas become such a cold blooded prick about—

The thought process stops when reality starts to click. How could Cas just offer something up so easily? More importantly-

“Meg-” Dean felt his voice rise.

“-has nothing to do with this.”

“The hell she doesn’t-” Dean ripped free, betrayal trickling into his gut. What had Cas meant when he said ‘had him’? What had all of that even meant?,   
“ What exactly is ‘this’ Cas?”

  
“-Dean…?”

Both men turned, hands dropping. Mary was standing on the porch, wiping her hands.

“Oh- hello Castiel,” she smiled,“ did you want to stay for dinner?”

Dean could feel the shame crawling over his skin, eyes dropping from his mom.

“No,” Castiel spoke after a pregnant pause.

He knows blue eyes had looked at him for a answer. Dean has none to give. No more for Cas to take.

“Thank you, Mary. I was just leaving,”

“I see,” his mothers voice sounds mournful but forgiving,“ You should eat more.”

“I will.” Castiel tells her, turning to back to Dean,“ I’ll…see you soon, Dean.”

“Bye, Cas,” he murmured, hearing the gavel shift as the other man reluctantly left.


	15. Chapter

——-

Dean jogged up the steps, barely making it passed the entry way before his moms voice reaches him.

“Dean we need to talk, I think.”

It’s not his first instinct. His first instinct is to run to his room and avoid anything she caught wind of.

However, he obeys, slowing down to look at her, praying she didn’t hear any of the shit that went down outside because this whole coming out thing to your family? He wasn’t ever really prepared to do that- even with his dad gone. Almost 30, he reminds himself.

And frankly, Deans not 100% what’s going on anyway. He’s pretty sure Cas just offered to fuck if Dean agreed to stay. That opens a door to a lot more complicated and hurt feelings that he is not at all excited to think about let alone humor discussing with his mom.

“About what? I was just heading to bed.”

“It’s barely 6, Dean.”

“Yea well, you know me. Early sleeper, early riser or whatever-”

“I know your gay.”

Jesus Christ.

“Or for fucks sake-” Dean threw his hands up, hysterical, all but spitting out,“No one even wants to break _that_ to me gently-”

“Dean Winchester you watch your mouth in my house-”

“You kinda jumped me, mom.” Dean turned, panicked,“ I- I don’t even know where you got that from-”

“Sweet heart, I’d have to blind not to see how you are with Novak’s boy. And if I were blind, I would have had to be deaf with the noise you just made.”

Dean thinks he’s probably hyperventilating at this point. Is it /his/ coming out or everyone else's at this point. He wants to lie and say it’s all nothing, but it’s been a very hard long day and the stoic give no fucks Dean is out of town.   
Mary, his mom a wise saint,steers him to sit down in the living room across from his dad’s old ugly tube TV.

There is a solid hard to swallow silence that’s all Deans fault as she hovers a little before sitting. He wishes he were more prepared for this. The whole ‘I like men more’ thing is something he’s still adjusting to. He never planned on telling any of his family, keep it easier that way.

Now all he can think is ‘easy’ isn’t on the table and God his dad is probably rolling in his grave and mom will have to only get kids from Sam but that’s probably better cause Deans a wreck and he isn’t exactly ecstatic about passing that gene on-

“I’m sorry- I didn’t-”

“Baby, I’m happy as long as you’re happy.”

“But Dad-”

“Oh, Dean,” Mary sighed, warm palm covering over his knee while his own hairs are tugged into his hair, “-Your father was a stubborn asshole but he loved you boys. And… We never spoke about it, but I think he knew too.”

That earns a harsh shocked laugh, voice cracking,” Does everyone in town know? How many more people are going to walk up to me with this-“

“I don’t think the whole town’s in on it or against you, baby. Fact, I think maybe only anyone that cares enough to pay attention to you. You kinda flew the coop quick though.” Her face is a little sad, letting Dean feel the guilt of knowing his mom knows why. Knows he’s weak and why he bailed.

“I didn’t want this, Ma,” his eyes feel wet,“ I don’t wanna feel like this about him,”

“I know,baby. You just have to own up to it. Life’s hard.” Her hands and their welcomed heat are on his cheeks.

“He knew.” Dean choked up, letting her wipe away what he now knows are tears.

“He was your best friend, for a long time, Dean.”

“I didn’t want him to know. What have I spent forever doing when he knew?”

“Well, I’m not sure. But that doesn’t matter anymore, Dean. What are you going to do with the present?”

Dean doesn’t know. Really truly doesn’t. Just wants to get in bed. Forget every new development since his dads funeral.  
“I think I have to leave. I want to,”

“Dean, I love you, and Castiel is a sweet boy, but leaving isn’t doing anything. And maybe I’m biased, but you’ll break my heart too if you leave again without coming home.”

It stings. Dean knows leaving does more than just keep Cas out of sight from him. He lost one parent that way already.

“I don’t know what else to do. Damn it, mom, he shows up and he’s all I can think about. I can’t figure out his game- he’s gotta know, what this crap feels like- and he’s with Meg freak’n Masters-” Dean pulled away from her hands to wipe his wet face,“ Cas is right. I don’t know what I want. He can’t do anything about it, and I can’t sit here and wish he didn’t have someone else just cuz I’m— im so broken about this-”

His mom just listens quietly, watches as Dean vents.

“It feels so much worse than I remember- how does anyone do this- I hate him-”

“You don’t.” Her voice is soft and tender, makes Dean cough up one harsh built up cry,

“I don’t. I really don’t and that’s my god damn problem-”

“Language.”

“Sorry- sorry- crap, your son is gay and spilling his novela trash romance on your good couch-” he tried to laugh, biting back crying as he covers his face.

“I’m going to make us some tea, you’re going to sit right here,” Mary getting up and kissing her eldest sons forehead,“ I love you, sweetheart. Loving boys is not a problem, in fact I can share a few stories about stupid men with you. But cursing is a problem, baby.” She smacked his head softly, heading to the kitchen.

He wonders if she knows how badly he needs her to feel normal like she’s doing right now.

“I don’t even like tea.” Dean tells her when she gets back.

“You’ll like this.”

Dean lifted the far too small cup it drink and pulled away,” Mom- did you give me whiskey.”

It’s tea. But he’s willing to bet it’s like a couple spoons of it only, if even.

“Figured if I’m drinking, so are you. It’s been a long week.” Her small body sunk into the couch with a sigh.

Dean’s stunned, enough to stop sniffling and bark a laugh  
“This visit has been so weird. I’ve been outed, my mom drinks, and I’m becoming dad in the orchard.”

Maybe not John Winchester exactly, but he feels like he’s a kid in his fathers over sized shoes these days.

They sit quietly, drinking their more-whiskey-than-tea before his mom breaks the peace they had drifted into.

“You know, your father broke my heart.”

That makes Dean whip up to look,”What? No he didn’t. You both were like- a power couple.”

“Not every marriage is perfect,” she hums, that tired sound in her voice he can’t pin point,“He met another woman.”

That’s how Dean ends up slack jawed.

“I know he loved me. But he loved her some way too.”

“You’re lying.”

“Well,” she’s kinda laughing, actually laughing, at this bit of information that has to Dean- unraveled his world in some way,“ You said it has been a crazy visit. How would you feel about knowing you had a half brother out there?”

Dean just, doesn’t know what to say.

“Mom, this isn’t funny.”

“I’m not laughing. I met her before. A few times. She was a pretty frail woman. He stayed with us, but he made sure she had something to help her.”

“You never told us?” Dean sat up straight, thinking his dad’s damn lucky he’s in the ground, tang of betrayal citing his mouth,“ you don’t think Sam and I would want to know that?!”

“She wanted Adam to be raised separately. John saw him a few times. Milligan. Adam Milligan.”

“Did he come to the service?”

“I didn’t see him. He’d be younger than Sam.”

Sam. God damn, Sam’s a older brother too.

“You have to tell Sam, mom.”

“I know. Seems like a pointless thing to keep anymore.”

Dean let his posture ease, going back quiet for a while. It’s a lot to take in, wanting to be angry but also realizing his parents were adults. Adults that obviously lived with this. His dad’s gone, who is there to have feelings about this for? Not his mom, obviously.

“My heart problems seem very dumb now. I have a brother. A /half/ brother.” He ends up Saying flatly out at the wall.

“Congratulations, Dean.” She sounds amused, like congratulating a pregnancy.

“How… ” Dean started to ask, chest expanding with so much curiosity to the situation be can’t fathom,“ How could you stay with him, then? After…. all that?”

“It was hard. Took a lot of work, to trust him again. He loved you boys, and he loved me. Sometimes things happen, and you have to ask yourself what you’re willing to give up to keep what you want.” It isn’t a pretty answer, but in a way, is that like saying love conquers all? Is it worth it if it does shot like that to you?

“Love is painful, baby. It has some beautiful amazing things, but it can turn on you. What you have to remember is, it doesn’t define you. You have to want it, want to work on it to keep it. It was hard for a long while, but we didn’t want to lose each other. In the end, it wasn’t ‘true love conquers all’, it was each of us. Working our ass off for the other.”

“No cursing.” Dean says weakly.

“Shush, I’m trying to be a wise old woman for you.” She bat at him.

He takes it, sits there as he finishes the whiskey(tea) and gives himself some time to digest that.  
“Did it ever stop hurting?”

She looks thoughtful, turning to look at him.  
“No. But…eventually, you realize there’s a lot of good to feel, pain aside.”


End file.
